Sunday, September 26, 2010

My New Home.


Posting has been a long time coming. But I had some time on this quiet Sunday morning. Nathan is enjoying his first day of Dayton hunting season. And a wonderful night last evening at our home church has caused me to do some reflecting.

We've been in Dayton now for over a year. And I don't know if its just the milestone we've hit or the Lord bringing conviction in a number of ways (probably both)- but I have been rather convicted lately of my discontentment and unwillingness to settle here. I notice that when I talk to people or customers at the bank, it's always, "I'm from Kentucky. I'm new here." Like this attitude of let me make sure you know where I'm from... it's not here. But I'm not new here anymore!! I miss Louisville terribly. Not just the city itself, but more importantly the relationships and our church and our home and just the comfort of living what felt like a "normal" life. I haven't detached my heart from there in a way that is necessary when you move to a new place. And I think my lack of quickness to do so has probably robbed me of some really great joys and relationships here in this new city where God has us. I've sensed the Lord telling me in a number of ways, "Ash, it's time to move on. Praise me for what you had in Louisville. But open yourself up to the things I have for you here. You're not going back there anytime soon."

A lot of you ask about our plans with the military and honestly, its kind of up in the air. We hope to be in Dayton for at least another 2 or 3 years. But we do have opportunities for Nathan to get an all-expenses-paid masters degree. If we go that route, we're committed for an extra 3 years, making this military thing a total of about 8 years. But the military can move you whenever they want. We are for sure committed to them at least another 4 years. We have talked about moving back to Kentucky whenever our term is over... but the earliest that could be happening is 4 years! That's a long time for me to just be living in this state of "I want to go home" and not really settling anywhere.

This has been one of the hardest seasons in my life, but is no doubt from the Lord's gracious hand. I have been struggling with anxiety attacks for the past 8 months. They seemed to come out of nowhere, but through some wonderful counseling I am getting right now, I am realizing that the Lord allowed them at this specific time in my life to write it firm on my heart that HE is in control, and I am not. HE is my firm foundation when all around me seems to change and give way. Maybe one day in the future I will blog more about this new trial in my life. But I just feel like this whole struggle has caused me to be self-focused and kind of depressed since we've been here.

We've been going to an Acts 29 church called Mercy Hill for a year now, and honestly, for a number of different reasons, I hadn't really committed to being there. We were going to community groups and I really liked a lot of the people we met there, but I wasn't making an active decision to pursue these new friends or to serve them, or to allow my heart to love them fully. Just kinda living in selfishness: "What's best for me at this time in my life? What am I not getting from this church?" And then my counselor a few weeks back told me that as believers in Jesus, we are all given gifts that we are to be using to benefit the body. And that God gives us great joy in doing that. When we're not serving in our giftings, there's a sense that we're missing out on some of that joy in loving others and serving them. I had heard all of this before, but I certainly wasn't living in line with the truth. I started to examine myself: Ash, where are you using your gifts? Who are you seeking to love and pursue? Don't you remember that every church is imperfect and its really not about you and your preferences anyways?

I realized I wasn't really doing that anywhere. And that this wasn't good. For me, for the women in my community group, or for God's overall plan to use His imperfect church to spread the gospel in this world. I live here, in Dayton. Not in Versailles. Not in Louisville. Just here. And there are some really good things and people here. I certainly plan on still keeping up with those I love most dearly in Louisville, women and men whose friendships changed my life and my ideas of community and fellowship. I don't ever think I'll find a better sushi bar than the one we found there. There will always be fond memories of Lovetown and mine and Nathan's first home on 2nd street. We will always want to know how Third Avenue Baptist is doing. But for now, that season in my life is over and God has great things for us here. He really does. But I will be missing out on them if I don't allow my heart to move here.

After a wonderful community group this past Wednesday where I confessed these sins to the women, and a wonderful church service last night where I got to use some of the gifts GOD has given me, and after spending time with some of those awesome brothers and sisters after service last night, I am feeling that joy my counselor was talking about. By His grace alone, I have noticed a difference this week even in my attitude and the ways I have allowed myself to love and to serve. And it's true, I have felt more at home here and more joyful in what God is doing in Dayton than I have since we moved here. I am praying more for a love for this city and the people here. And I know, just as He always does, He will provide...